Steps to Self-Kindness

The first step towards personal growth is self-kindness.

We are often unkind to ourselves without even recognizing it. Sometimes this could mean that we are mentally replaying the same stories that only highlight our faults or failures. Or it could be that we are constantly absorbed in negative self-talk; talk that is only self-critical or echoing the words of others that we have really taken to heart. These habits are easy to fall into because negativity is a weight that pushes us down.

It is impossible to recover from depression, anxiety or even our day-to-day obstacles if we are treating ourselves poorly. Breaking these habits may be difficult but not impossible. We begin by taking steps towards making real changes. Here are some important ones to consider...

Set boundaries & evaluate your needs.

Your external environment creates both good and bad pressures. Being kind to ourselves begins with taking care of ourselves by identifying our needs and setting boundaries.

Examples:

· Reducing time with or completely cutting off ties to toxic negative people. How can you tell if someone is toxic? Most of us are in contact with people who leave us feeling emotionally drained, angered, irritated, defensive, who don’t treat us as we deserve to be treated.

Treat yourself right.

· Feeling overwhelmed? Take time to fix unnecessary stressors. You can take on any task when you feel a sense of control. Spread your tasks out evenly. Take time for yourself to feel calm. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Put your phone down.

Is tech a connection or a curse? It can be both. Sometimes it lets us feel connected to loved ones and allows us to feel confident and fun. But too much of anything can be bad for us. There’s a difference between being mindful and being mindless! It’s becoming muscle memory; scrolling and scrolling, comparing ourselves to others, getting triggered or even bored. Limit your tech time and fit in more self-care time.

Self-kindness scripts.

Create a positive script to fall back on when you’re feeling down. You don’t have to believe your lines at first and you don''t even have to be a great actor. It’s just about re-framing your negative thoughts into positive thoughts.

Example of negative self-talk:

I am so anxious all the time. I am not good enough. I am so weak and pathetic.

Examples of self-kindness script:

I feel anxiety but anxiety does not define me. I am good enough. I am strong and imperfectly perfect.

You don’t have to suddenly become one with yourself or become a brand-new version of yourself either. This is just about creating positive habits in your negative moments. This is positive self-talk that encourages a positive self-image.

Ask others what your strengths are.

It is easier to see the positive traits in others rather than in ourselves. That is where we compare ourselves to others and cue in that negative self-talk. Try asking those closest to you what they see as strengths in YOU. You can also go ahead and add these to your self-kindness mantras. Sometimes hearing your strengths from others will help you feel supported and you'll start to see those strengths in yourself.

Keep a self-kindness journal.

Maybe writing comes natural to you.

In this case, keeping a self-kindness journal is the most connective way to re-evaluate yourself and create positivity in your life. This could be in the form of daily dairy entries, writing down feelings as they come and go, monitoring good and bad patterns, or simply talking about your day and how you handled stress. You could do this with pen and paper or even in a journal app from your phone.

Maybe writing isn’t your thing?

That’s okay too. Journaling could just be listing 3 things to be grateful for each morning, 3 things you like about yourself, 3 things to work on that day -- you can still be creative in small ways without a lot of writing required. It's about staying focused on practicing self-kindness.

No, no writing at all?

Looking up positive inspirational quotes and images to start your day is also good self-care practice. Just copy-paste or screenshot some of your favorites to a folder everyday.

Be a friend to yourself.

Question: would you speak to a friend in the way that you speak to yourself?

Most of us would say “no, absolutely not.” We have to sometimes come to terms with the fact that we are not always a very good friend to ourselves. No wonder we feel so hurt and upset with ourselves. It's important to start treating yourself like you would a friend. That could mean simply offering words of encouragement or thinking kindly of yourself instead of always judging yourself. Be your own best friend.

Re-frame Failure

You’ve heard these words before:

No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes.

But in the end, we still feel terrible when we fail. But why are we still upset if we know that it's impossible to be perfect? It’s because we are so focused on how unhappy we are with ourselves instead of focusing on ways to aim higher. We may not ever be perfect but we can certainly be the best version of ourselves. When we fail at something we use it as an opportunity to recite that negative self-talk script. This is where it’s important to re-frame failure. We must learn to accept failure as being a part of growth while not letting it define us. Failure is an experience. Sometimes it's a consequence of a lack of true effort. But it is not an attribute.

We learn and grow from failure.

Put yourself first.

No, it’s not selfish. It is necessary. It is more important for you to take care of yourself first before taking on the world. A wise person once told me: “you can’t sail the seas in a sinking ship full of holes.”

This is your life, your ship, your ocean.